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CSCILLAG

A performance without confidence

I distorted my own perception until my thoughts created a living hell. I made a world where I was unloved, unwanted, unappreciated by everyone including my own blood.  Stepping back into reality, I realized this could not be further from the truth. I was mind boggled, how could one person make me feel this desolate? *ding ding ding* my aha moment: it was more than a single person. I recognized the people who I mistook as friends did not have my best interest at heart, they were only fascinated with making themselves feel better. My limitless potential was then limited to my “friends” saying: “maybe you should give up.”  Maybe I shouldn’t.

After making the decision to liberate myself from the people I thought I needed, each day I felt a little bit stronger. At my new job I formed new friendships and bonds that helped me grow and feel so much stronger.  This incredible job and my new adopted family reached the depths of my soul and I felt beautiful again. Of course it wasn’t all butterflies and rainbows, but for the most part my new crowd was a bunch that had each other’s  backs and reminded you that you are beautiful, a lot.

This was an eyeopener and I realized every once in a while you need to take a good, hard look at the people you spend most of your time with. Are they encouraging you to be better? Do they express their belief in you? Are they positive influences in your life? If not, maybe you should reconsider who you call a “friend”.

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gasoline

His heart sank so low he felt as if it were underneath the floorboard of his car. He felt his grip tighten, as his eyes stung with tears. His grief was gasoline until she tossed the match and lit the gasoline into fire, into fury.  He released his grip on the steering wheel just so he could strike it. His hand started to bleed, but he continued to shift into the final gear. The speed was increasing faster and faster, climbing towards and then past 150 miles per hour, with no intention of stopping or slowing down. They were both afraid. They were both in a love that could kill them.

fear not

He met me halfway, although he was sheepish and fearful, he made that leap for me. This man made the sacrifices that I needed, wanted, and asked for, for me take this love into a deeper consideration.  I quickly found out that I was asking for something I thought I would never receive in order to protect myself. Now I am slowly realizing I was the weak link, I simply could not muster up the courage to let him into my heart nor did I want to. I shied away from his offerings of love out of fear and I so profoundly regret it. I begged and pleaded for this side of him for so long, and once it was in my disposal, I threw it away like last week’s paper. I kept telling myself: had I made a different decision, the outcome may have been the same. I might still be lonely, confused, and a little dazed.  What a loser’s way of comforting themselves. Life is too short to be fearful, so with that, I now will make bold decisions. I realize the most fulfilling aspects in life have the greatest ability to shatter my world.

wedding bells

My mind draws a blank when I picture my future wedding, if I will have one. I am a visionary who has never dreamt of wedding dresses or locations or hair styles or bridesmaids. I have only ever dreamt of a love that won’t dissipate over time or with adversity. A love that is consistent and pure. There are too many people who are proud of their artificial intentions and low standards for marriage. For me, I simply won’t settle for a feigned love. If I am at the end of that aisle ready for the commitment of my lifetime I want my future husband to look me in the eyes and see my character, not the color. I am so sick of the lust and shallowness of relationships, call me a hopeless romantic, but where is the sincerity?claud-48

what do you want from me?

Is it my resilience? That keeps you coming back for more? My ability to sew my open wounds after you cut them with all your prowess? Every minute I spend with you, you use it to weaken me. Are you afraid of me? Are you intimidated by me? Did you want to make me feel as worthless and miserable as your feeling inside? Recurrently, you consistently kick, punch, scratch, tear at my confidence. Do you feel inferior to me? Do you disparage every ounce of my character to make yourself feel more dominant? Or do you really think I am a less of a person?

Oh, it used to kill me. Because I used to believe you.

 

My days revolved around proving to you that I am valuable, someone who is worthy of you and your trust. The early days of our relationship I still had a sense of self, I realized I had something to offer, not only to you, but to the world. Month after month, you became more like a monster. You wore me to the bone. You regularly implied I was worthless, and I began to believe it. I was manipulated into a state of depression. I felt like I was nothing more than a burden until it reached a point where I had to come up with reasons why I should get out of bed, or live to see the next day.IMG_6542 (1)

goodbyes

My heart was broken in a way I did not know possible. I never could have even imagined a pain this crippling. I cried until my tears gagged me, until I threw up onto the tile of my bathroom floor. I just learned my grandparents were gone.. two of the most influential people  in my life were no longer on Earth. They were not sick, and  I certainly was not prepared for this. I was entirely blind sided by the reality of life- that it ends. Quickly I discovered that goodbyes are a privilege. I realized they didn’t answer my call earlier that day because they were dead. I didn’t call soon enough, and thats when my heart and soul were ripped out of me. I felt lifeless… if I could just hear their voices one more time. Feel their hugs one more time… Tell them how much I appreciated every little thing they did for me… And how desperately I wanted to repay them, but I ran out of time. When I realized the reality of life is that it ends, I knew I would never be the same.

let go

Everything is so much easier said than done. It is so completely and wholly simple to say let go of what hurts you. If something is causing you a relatively unbearable pain, just stop revisiting it. Such an incomplex idea until you realize its’ complexities, until you realize what is hurting you is the only thing that makes you feel alive. Whether it is the last swig of the bottle or the rush of the high. Or in my case, the comfort in his presence. When he is around I feel like I am home. I know his scent by heart. The nights when I came home with his aroma were my happiest. And now, the mere memory causes me this unbearable pain. When he’s around it is constant bickering and frustration. I want to cry  and tell him how much I love him, and how desperately I wished he would love me back.  I know this love is not reciprocated. Nor was it meant to be. I have to let go of someone I love because he will never love me the same way I love him. I need to move on, but I don’t want that part of my life to be left behind. I simply don’t want to lose the only thing that makes me feel alive, but I am dying inside.

chew on this

Too often we stomp through life, desperately lusting for our footsteps to be heard.  Our hearts and minds are so deeply rooted in our own desires and thoughts that we are too entangled to see the beauty in others. Too caught up in expressing our own dreams and inner beauty to show interest in theirs. And even if we do show interest, is it genuine?

heal

Our relationship ended unapologetically abrupt on your behalf. Although my heart screams out for an answer as to why it is so deeply torn, my mind will soon be at peace because I know that it happened perfectly. In perfect timing and placement, so that my position in the world will be exactly where it was destined to be.

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